Warning Labels

After some long weekends of severe discomfort that turned out to be nothing but regular pregnancy related ailments my mother proclaimed “ they need to warn you about this stuff.” Well they really don’t warn you about anything when it comes to pregnancy. Realistically speaking, if we warned all the women about everything that could happen no one would get pregnant.  But a little heads up could be helpful.

I’ve been honest so far about what’s going on, but in reality it’s been pretty easy so far. As I make the turn into the third trimester things aren’t looking as good. Now we’re all well aware of the common symptoms of pregnancy i.e. nausea, weight gain, varicose veins etc. Brace yourselves because I’m here to share some of the very common but not so talked about ailments of pregnancy.

Varicose veins.
I know varicose veins are par for the course. Thankfully it’s not shorts weather so I can handle that. Unfortunately what I have is more like varicose arteries. I put professional body builders to shame with my vascular display. My pale skin is no help either. My doctor had the gumption to tell me they should go away instantly after I give birth and the weight stops pressing down on them.  What? I gained 60 lbs. I don’t think I’m going to pop out two 30 lbs. twins. So it looks like the weight will be pressing down on them for some time. Save your fairy tales for the fantasy section at Barnes and noble doctor. I’m not buying it.

Iron deficiency
Not many people talk abut the fact that babies suck all the iron from your body. An iron deficiency usually results in exhaustion and bruises. No biggie, except I went to scratch my leg the other day and now it looks like wolverine backslapped me across my thigh. The only remedy is to eat more iron. But if you’re like me and can only handle so many spinach salads you can take an iron supplement. What they don’t tell you is that iron supplements pretty much halt your entire digestive system. The irony is (ha-ha iron-y, Ok ill stop now) is that they say when you’re in labor and you have to push, it feels like you have to make a bowel movement. Someone should tell God that it would be nice if we could remember what that felt like when the time comes.

Night sweats
We all know pregnant women are hot. Well hot looking and psychically very hot. I told my doctor that I have been having terrible night sweats and he suggested I sleep in lighter clothing with the window open. When I explained that I sleep in a sports bra under the air conditioning blasting at 60 degrees while cuddling an ice pack like it’s a teddy bear he just felt bad for me.

It’s truly a mystery of science and magic that my skin can stretch to the lengths it’s reached so far. Yes, stretch marks are widely known throughout the community but that’s not the only thing that’s going on. With all the stretching and pulling my skin can’t breathe. Everyone knows I’m not one to wear tight clothing but now its ridiculous. I cant even wear baggy jeans because the denim suffocates me. It’s gotten so bad I cant wear underwire bras anymore. Wrap your head around that fact – underwires are the only apparatus that can help support my huge boobs but my skin can no longer serve as their foundation. It’s that uncomfortable. A friend of mine, bless her heart, said who cares just wear leggings. Buddy, I don’t care and leggings are like wearing an entire pantsuit made of heavy duty Spanx. This whole experience makes me appreciate Muumuus. Luckily, for my husband and those who are seen with me in public, I don’t spend money on new clothes I’ll only wear for two months. Other wise Id have a closet full of muumuus and champion sweatpants.

Rib Expansion
I’ve mentioned before that my hips are cracking open to prepare for birth. Well my ribs decided to invite themselves to the party as well. Have you ever watched a bad scary movie where someone turns into a werewolf and their ribs start breaking to make room for the stronger werewolf lungs? Well that’s what it felt like. Honestly if I wasn’t pregnant I would have thought it was a full moon and I was transitioning into a werewolf. After a night of barely breathing let alone sleeping I called my doctor and they informed it’s totally normal. What a relief to know that severe pain was “normal.”

Thankfully this pregnancy is almost over. But I’m sure I’ll have a lot more to deal with once these girls are here.