How not to spend baby’s first Thanksgiving

I’m not easily embarrassed but that’s not to say that there aren’t a few moments I’m not too proud of. One of those happens to be Thanksgiving of 2009.

Definitely My First Time

When I’m not cleaning Oreos out of my couch or populating the blogosphere I write freelance articles for, an entertainment website. I usually cover TV shows like Glee but I’ve been dying to submit a review on a feature film. Since I only work part time I’m pretty low on the totem pole when it comes to free movie tickets. Well it just so happens I was the only person on staff who was not only willing but also excited to see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn. That’s right last Wednesday I was invited to an advanced screening and it was an experience to say the least. 

Bella's Baby Shower

I'm not sure if you know this but next weekend The Twilight Sage: Breaking Dawn Part 1 hits theaters. I'm sure you're just as excited as I am. Fans are already talking about some of the most anticipated scenes such as Edward and Bella's wedding night. Still, with everything to look forward to I recall one event Bella did not get to experience: a baby shower. With the unexpected and hasty birth of half vampire baby Renesme none of the Cullens had a moment to stop and think about whether or not they were prepared to raise a child or if they even had the appropriate tools to do so. Like any young parent it is not easy to quickly process what being a parent means. Pile that on top of an abnormally high risk pregnancy and the lack of prep time and you are going to have some frazzled parents. I’m sure Alice, Esme and even sour puss Rosalee would have been able to slap together a baby shower of epic proportions. Unfortunately the crew had more pressing matters at hand, like how to keep mother and child alive. Thankfully fans can come together and celebrate a baby shower for Reneseme ourselves. Bella may not be the "Lets register at Babies 'R Us" type so I put together my own list. Here are some things one would need in preparation of your half vampire half human baby.

1. Stretch Mark Cream
Any mother will tell you the formula for stretch marks is high weight gain in a short period of time. Unfortunately for Bella her skin has even less time to work with. Becoming a vampire may save Bella's life but there is no guarantee that it can save her skin. Unless she plans on spending eternity with those nasty lines running all over her body she better bust out the cocoa butter and apply liberally. One brand I particularly like is Bella B Tummy Honey Butter.
5. Baby Carrier
One of Renesme's favorite activities is hunting with family and friends. Her mode of choice is piggy back ride. We are taking about super strong family members but sometimes it's nice to stop and think about the health of their necks and backs. A baby carrier would be the most ergonomic for all parties involved. One to consider is the Phil and Ted's model check it out:here If Jacob and Renesme end up running away together Jacob will thank you.

2. Teething
We all know the Twilight saga has consciously decided to omit fangs from the vampire's mouth. The lack of those cuspids is not going to make baby Renesme's  teething process any easier. Just be thankful that at her growth rate it will only last a few days rather than months like some weary parents must endure (stay strong!) It is important for her to have something she can safely bite down on that it is not someones flesh. May I recommend the Rasberry Teether. The  ridges of the fruit provide relief to those achy teeth better than a standard teether. Also do not forget the crib saver. You do not need chunks of our crib missing when your vampire baby tries to sooth her gums on the furniture.

3. Digestion
Although the gastronomy of a vampire baby is unknown it is safe to assume there will be spit up. With a diet of blood and raw meat the end product is bound to be graphic. The Cullens will need an arsenal of spit up cloths and cleaning products. One idea that is always a hit at a baby shower is the burp cloth cake. If the family is not going to eat cake anyway the burp cloths will be he perfect substitute and a beautiful centerpiece. Who wouldn’t love that? As for cleaning materials I would recommend Toddler Out. This solution has gotten rid of any bodily function you can think of. Thankfully I have never had the privilege of cleaning blood spit up but this product is what I would grab to give it a shot.

4. Safety
We all know Renesme is at the center of an epic battle between good and evil vampires but we must not forget that she is still a toddler, and they can be dangerous on their own. Even the laziest baby can find trouble faster than you can whip your head. Add super vampire speed to that equation and you're in for a world of trouble. With the rate at which Renesme grows it is important to turn the house into a safety zone as quickly as possible. We are taking gates, locks, safety knobs, outlet covers you name it. Thankfully as half vampire Renesme does not really have to worry about bleach poison or electrocution but you do not need her setting the house on fire or worse getting into daddy's epic CD collection.

What would your gift to the baby be?

The Real Trouble Begins

So far raising a two year old has been easy. Well, not easy but we haven't had any major problems. Unfortunately lately she's developed a strange way of dealing with a problem. The other day she was grabbing something she wasn't supposed to and when I told her "no" she tried to kiss me. This was the first time something like this happened so I thought "oh nice I get a kiss."  Then the other day she grabbed a box of Lucky Charms and when I told her to put it down she decided to ignore me and run around the house leaving a trail of rainbow deliciousness. I was enraged. I ran over to her looked her in the eye and screamed "YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO ME!" At this point she started trying to kiss me again. I was so mad I turned away but It took everything in my body not to laugh. Who does this? She's a diabolical genius. She knows the only thing I ever ask her for is kisses and she saves the for when she's in real trouble. SHE"S ONLY 2 AND A HALF! I didn't think they possessed these sort of problem solving skills. How am I supposed to discipline a girl who wants to make out every time she does something wrong? I'm so afraid she's going to grow into a young woman who wants to kiss any guy who yells at her. This could be the start of some deep seeded issues here.

Another problem is I'm not sure how to discipline her. I'm not saying my parents beat me but when I was younger and got out of line I could expect a nice whack on the bottom. I remember when my brother and I got a little older, around 4 or 5,  we asked my parents if they could no longer use that type of discipline and they agreed. Then once we were in public we acted up and my dad told us we were going to get a beating when we got home. My brother and I started crying and yelling "you said you weren't going to beat us anymore." Everyone was looking at us; it was hysterical and wrong. Maybe this is where Ali gets it from? I don't think I can administer a beating just yet so I decided an appropriate punishment was to make Ali clean up all the cereal. It took awhile and she thought it was a game. She ended up eating a solid amount of marshmallows but at least she wasn't tyring to kiss anyone.