You Need Me To Do What?

This post is for ladies only - you've been warned

Ok I need to share about this past ultrasound. It isn’t for the weak of heart so those not completely interested in this pregnancy need not read on. Yeah right, everyone is interested in the pregnancy. But seriously this post gets into gynecology so it may not be suitable for work. Or at least, I don’t want you reading this at work.

So my cool doctor is taking it easy on me but since it’s twins I have to go see a high-risk doctor who isn’t nearly as laid back. I guess he’s “high risk” so he should be a bit up tight. Well this guy is two hours away and he wants to see me every other week to measure my cervix. He says it will help detect early labor but I think he’s just trying to kill me.

I went to my first “cervical length” appointment and I was quite annoyed to find it was a trans-vaginal ultra sound. Those of you who don’t know what trans-vaginal means, it’s exactly what it sounds like. I don’t advise googling it you may not be happy with the results.

The first time I had one of these ultra sounds was when I was pregnant with Ali. The technician didn’t tell me anything about what was going to happen, I just saw her put a condom on an ultra sound wand and my mind figured it out from there. Before I was able to protest the ultrasound was underway and little tiny Ali egg was up on the screen. I guess it wasn’t so bad, though a little warning would have been nice.

Ali of course accompanied me to this past ultra sound because it was in the middle of the day and everyone else has jobs. It’s no biggie she just chills. We get into the room and I get undressed with a gown and a paper blanket covering me up appropriately. Then this new technician turns and asks ME to insert the ultrasound wand. Huh? I was pretty taken aback and I didn’t know what to do. She just handed me the wand and said: “just the tip.” I simultaneously wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. This lady kind of just asked me to have sex with myself. All the while my poor three-year-old was sitting not three feet away playing with my cell phone. Thankfully the paper blanket was covering anything weird.

I really did not want to engage in this but after she asked me to do it I couldn’t very well turn and say no I want you to put it in. She may think I was hitting on her. And that would have mortified me even more.

Part of me was thinking well if I’m going to be performing this ultra sound you can leave the room. Before I got that out of my mouth she took hold of the wand and started the procedure. I started to relax and then she informed me she would be able to find the sex of the babies so I was over the whole event entirely.

I’ve been searching online to see if this was more common than I thought and apparently some places have a policy where you must insert yourself. What? This is a doctors office when did you guys get all prude? If you guys are afraid of my vag why should I have you involved in my birth? Can some readers chime in here and tell me what you guys think? I feel like the second she asked me to insert the wand myself it went from ultra sound appointment to something she considered sexual and uncomfortable, therefore making me uncomfortable.

The bills have started coming in for all my pregnancy related procedures and you better believe that if they charge me 25$ for one squirt of ultrasound goo I’m charging them for my insertion services. If you need me to do your job you’re going to get MY bill.