Worst False Alarm Ever

Initially, I wanted to title this piece “I’m an idiot” but since we’ve used that one before (and probably could have used it many times over) I went with Worst False Alarm Ever.

This weekend I was at a dog festival. (I know, Hoboken is weird and has festivals for its dogs.) I was with a friend of mine who has a mutt puppy. She was cute and couldn’t be more than 35 pounds. I asked to hold her leash when he got a phone call. The second he turned around off she went dragging my pregnant belly and me with her through the mud. I was more embarrassed than hurt. A grown woman covered in dirt and leaves is bad, but a pregnant woman, that’s just sad. Everyone helped me up and I downplayed the whole thing laughing and giggling but really – I needed to go to the hospital.

I called my doctor  (who’s two hours away) and they assured me I was fine and could just go to the nearest hospital to get evaluated. She told me I should be in and out. Little did she know just how rigid this hospital was going to be.

I decided to go to Hackensack since it was one of the best in the area and had a pretty good reputation. The ER saw me right away which I thought was a great sign. (That was the end of the great signs.)  When I fell I hit my hand so they sent me to the regular ER before I went up to the Maternity ER.  My one finger was jammed so they said they would splint it for me. The finger was really the least of my worries but I figured since I was there I may as well get it taken care of. It took the ER 45 minutes to have someone waltz over grab a piece of plastic and tape it to my finger.

Then, finally, they got me over to maternity. We met a lovely young couple in the waiting area. I asked the woman how far along she was and she said “40 Weeks”. I said “Oh so you’re going to have a baby tonight?” Her husband said “No, NO, NO not tonight, maybe on Tuesday we’re just here as a precaution.” Yeah buddy 9PM on a Saturday night the doctors are all about bringing you in as a precaution at 40 weeks. Turns out she was in labor and they did have a baby that night. Their baby story will forever include me and my mom laughing and telling them how they were definitely going to have a baby.

I was finally set up in the maternity ER with my fetal monitors and what not. I finally saw the doctor around 10PM and she said I was fine and I could probably go home tomorrow at 4. What? Excuse me? I’m fine but you’re keeping me? She then proceeded to tell me that I couldn’t eat anything. I’m sorry? Are you trying to kill me! The best was that she said I had an irritable uterus – which is caused by dehydration -and they wouldn’t even hydrate me! Come on if I’m sitting here for 24 hours anyway you may as well IV me. Especially if it’s the contractions that were keeping me there!!!!

Not ten seconds after she left my mother snuck me a rice krispie treat. Of course mid bite the doctor comes back in to tell me the plan. I just sat there with my mouth shut and nodded. Years of catholic school and their rules against gum had prepared me for that very moment.

We finally got into a room at 1AM. The only pleasant part was the fact that I didn’t have to pee every ten seconds because they wouldn’t let me drink.

The most frustrating part was the fact that they couldn’t get the twins on the fetal monitor anyway. With them being so small and mobile in the uterus they were never able to keep track of them for an extended period of time. I was basically just sitting around waiting with no food for no reason. I think that’s the closest I ever want to get to prison.