Breast Milk Baby

Recently a company in South America has come up with a genius idea for a toy; it’s going to trump the “Tickle Me Elmo” and “Furby” fever’s that swept the nation. What can it be? You need to get your hands on it now before the Christmas rush! It’s the Breast Milk Baby! That’s’ right, they’ve come up with a doll that breast feeds. The doll comes with a halter-top that has two flowers where nipples would be, when the baby is held up to the flowers it makes a sucking sound. (Halter-tops, just like God intended)

This is just weird. I know it’s probably a good idea to get children comfortable with the idea of nursing but that could be true for other things as well; like getting your period. But we all know no one is going to buy the “Menstruation Baby”, unless it’s Dora themed of course. Also, I’m not so comfortable with my daughter thinking about her boobs and their function just yet. I’m nervous she may try to whip it out in public to nurse her hungry doll. Hopefully she has the decency to use a nursing cover (I recommend “Hooter Hiders” brand).

My real problem with this toy is that it’s going for $89! What? I can’t remember the last time I dropped $89 on anything let alone a doll. I get chapped when I spend $89 on groceries. The number one reason I nursed was because it would save money! If Ali takes one of her modestly priced dolls and holds it up to her little boobies I wouldn’t find it weird, it would be thrifty. But somebody trying to make $89 for making a sucking sound, that’s just wrong.

The craziest thing surrounding all of this is that parents are calling this an outrage and that it’s going to encourage little girls to want to get pregnant. What? Do they realize that little girls have been playing with baby dolls for hundreds of years? Have they watched 16 and Pregnant? None of those girls blamed dolls for their unplanned pregnancies; they blame lack of contraception and sexual education … and their boyfriends.

I don’t know if any of these angry women have actually nursed or worse pumped, because it is painful, exhausting and would encourage me NOT to have children. I remember the first time I had to pump at work; the only place with a power outlet was the supply closet in the break room. I thought I got lucky because I could crack the door open and watch TV while I pumped (score!). Unfortunately my 19-year-old co-worker was in the break room eating her lunch and she didn’t need a glimpse of my lovely ladies mid bite. If she grew up with a “breast milk baby” my story may have been different. Maybe I would have been able to watch E! News that day.

In conclusion, nursing is good, babies nursing fake babies is weird, Paying $89 for toys is stupid and blaming toys for teen pregnancy is just ignorant.