How not to spend baby’s first Thanksgiving

I’m not easily embarrassed but that’s not to say that there aren’t a few moments I’m not too proud of. One of those happens to be Thanksgiving of 2009.

Definitely My First Time

When I’m not cleaning Oreos out of my couch or populating the blogosphere I write freelance articles for Buzzfocus.com, an entertainment website. I usually cover TV shows like Glee but I’ve been dying to submit a review on a feature film. Since I only work part time I’m pretty low on the totem pole when it comes to free movie tickets. Well it just so happens I was the only person on staff who was not only willing but also excited to see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn. That’s right last Wednesday I was invited to an advanced screening and it was an experience to say the least. 

Bella's Baby Shower

I'm not sure if you know this but next weekend The Twilight Sage: Breaking Dawn Part 1 hits theaters. I'm sure you're just as excited as I am. Fans are already talking about some of the most anticipated scenes such as Edward and Bella's wedding night. Still, with everything to look forward to I recall one event Bella did not get to experience: a baby shower. With the unexpected and hasty birth of half vampire baby Renesme none of the Cullens had a moment to stop and think about whether or not they were prepared to raise a child or if they even had the appropriate tools to do so. Like any young parent it is not easy to quickly process what being a parent means. Pile that on top of an abnormally high risk pregnancy and the lack of prep time and you are going to have some frazzled parents. I’m sure Alice, Esme and even sour puss Rosalee would have been able to slap together a baby shower of epic proportions. Unfortunately the crew had more pressing matters at hand, like how to keep mother and child alive. Thankfully fans can come together and celebrate a baby shower for Reneseme ourselves. Bella may not be the "Lets register at Babies 'R Us" type so I put together my own list. Here are some things one would need in preparation of your half vampire half human baby.

1. Stretch Mark Cream
Any mother will tell you the formula for stretch marks is high weight gain in a short period of time. Unfortunately for Bella her skin has even less time to work with. Becoming a vampire may save Bella's life but there is no guarantee that it can save her skin. Unless she plans on spending eternity with those nasty lines running all over her body she better bust out the cocoa butter and apply liberally. One brand I particularly like is Bella B Tummy Honey Butter.

5. Baby Carrier
One of Renesme's favorite activities is hunting with family and friends. Her mode of choice is piggy back ride. We are taking about super strong family members but sometimes it's nice to stop and think about the health of their necks and backs. A baby carrier would be the most ergonomic for all parties involved. One to consider is the Phil and Ted's model check it out:here If Jacob and Renesme end up running away together Jacob will thank you.

2. Teething
We all know the Twilight saga has consciously decided to omit fangs from the vampire's mouth. The lack of those cuspids is not going to make baby Renesme's  teething process any easier. Just be thankful that at her growth rate it will only last a few days rather than months like some weary parents must endure (stay strong!) It is important for her to have something she can safely bite down on that it is not someones flesh. May I recommend the Rasberry Teether. The  ridges of the fruit provide relief to those achy teeth better than a standard teether. Also do not forget the crib saver. You do not need chunks of our crib missing when your vampire baby tries to sooth her gums on the furniture.

3. Digestion
Although the gastronomy of a vampire baby is unknown it is safe to assume there will be spit up. With a diet of blood and raw meat the end product is bound to be graphic. The Cullens will need an arsenal of spit up cloths and cleaning products. One idea that is always a hit at a baby shower is the burp cloth cake. If the family is not going to eat cake anyway the burp cloths will be he perfect substitute and a beautiful centerpiece. Who wouldn’t love that? As for cleaning materials I would recommend Toddler Out. This solution has gotten rid of any bodily function you can think of. Thankfully I have never had the privilege of cleaning blood spit up but this product is what I would grab to give it a shot.

4. Safety
We all know Renesme is at the center of an epic battle between good and evil vampires but we must not forget that she is still a toddler, and they can be dangerous on their own. Even the laziest baby can find trouble faster than you can whip your head. Add super vampire speed to that equation and you're in for a world of trouble. With the rate at which Renesme grows it is important to turn the house into a safety zone as quickly as possible. We are taking gates, locks, safety knobs, outlet covers you name it. Thankfully as half vampire Renesme does not really have to worry about bleach poison or electrocution but you do not need her setting the house on fire or worse getting into daddy's epic CD collection.


What would your gift to the baby be?

The Real Trouble Begins

So far raising a two year old has been easy. Well, not easy but we haven't had any major problems. Unfortunately lately she's developed a strange way of dealing with a problem. The other day she was grabbing something she wasn't supposed to and when I told her "no" she tried to kiss me. This was the first time something like this happened so I thought "oh nice I get a kiss."  Then the other day she grabbed a box of Lucky Charms and when I told her to put it down she decided to ignore me and run around the house leaving a trail of rainbow deliciousness. I was enraged. I ran over to her looked her in the eye and screamed "YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO ME!" At this point she started trying to kiss me again. I was so mad I turned away but It took everything in my body not to laugh. Who does this? She's a diabolical genius. She knows the only thing I ever ask her for is kisses and she saves the for when she's in real trouble. SHE"S ONLY 2 AND A HALF! I didn't think they possessed these sort of problem solving skills. How am I supposed to discipline a girl who wants to make out every time she does something wrong? I'm so afraid she's going to grow into a young woman who wants to kiss any guy who yells at her. This could be the start of some deep seeded issues here.

Another problem is I'm not sure how to discipline her. I'm not saying my parents beat me but when I was younger and got out of line I could expect a nice whack on the bottom. I remember when my brother and I got a little older, around 4 or 5,  we asked my parents if they could no longer use that type of discipline and they agreed. Then once we were in public we acted up and my dad told us we were going to get a beating when we got home. My brother and I started crying and yelling "you said you weren't going to beat us anymore." Everyone was looking at us; it was hysterical and wrong. Maybe this is where Ali gets it from? I don't think I can administer a beating just yet so I decided an appropriate punishment was to make Ali clean up all the cereal. It took awhile and she thought it was a game. She ended up eating a solid amount of marshmallows but at least she wasn't tyring to kiss anyone.

Personal Torture

It's been a few weeks since my last post. It turns out apple juice may be good for people but not Macs. Who Knew? Of course my  $250.00 warranty doesn't cover toddler mishaps so I was S.O.L. Thankfully, my mother was kind enough to let me borrow her Sony. I'm not sure what's worse, being without a computer or having one that's so slow it takes 20 minutes to turn on then another 10 to open the Internet. I had almost forgotten what I wanted to write about by the time the computer came to. Even as I type it takes the screen a few seconds before it registers the letters. It's really testing my patience, but beggars can't be choosers.

A lot has happened since I last signed on. One notable experience was the preschool open house. Once every fall the "Hoboken Family Alliance" invites all of the schools in the city to one location where the parents can come and see what each school is all about. Its strange to think that I have to start thinking about my 2 year old's education but if everyone here is doing it I have to join in. The event took place inside the towns high school gym. The room was set up like a job fair and was packed with young children and their yuppy parents. The first school my cheap self checked out was the public school. We were pleasantly surprised to be speaking with the head of the program.(Either she's super involved or doesn't have anything better to do; I'm hoping i's the former) She explained that they should be receiving a grant that would enable all three year olds in town a spot. The program seemed great, it even included Spanish lessons. The only downfall is it would be a full-day, five day a week program. This would mean I would have to get a real job ...  I'm not sure I'm ready to go down that track just yet.

Dan and I next went over to see one of the Catholic schools. I wasn't sure how Dan would feel about a Catholic education since he is Jewish. Turns out I know more about Judaism than he does from my years in Catholic School so he was OK with it. The program was similar to the public school, the price was reasonable and the idea of her in a little school uniform is just the cutest thing I've ever heard of.

Things were looking up in terms of preschool when we headed over to the "Cooperative" school I had read about online. The idea is that the parents perform duties for the school in order to keep the tuition down. I went over to talk to one of the parent representatives and after she answered a few questions I asked "What's the admission process?" She explained there was a tour, an application and then there would be an observation. "Observation of what?" I asked. She said "Well they put al the kids together and see how they work." Is this lady serious? Are you basically telling me this is some sort of admissions test get into preschool? I said "What exactly are you looking for in this observation?" She started to get a little uncomfortable and said "Well they see if your kid is quiet or loud you know" Apparently I did not know because I think that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. This kids haven't started school yet, they don't know anything what are you going to test them on? The only thing I can think of is whether or not she can wipe her own ass. (Which you wouldn't have to observe you can just take my word for it.) This school has some nerve forcing me to work, charging me pretty high tuition and then judging my daughter.

My husband and I exchanged "yeah right" glances and started to look at some other schools. Eventually one of the public school reps told us the high school had a pool and we could take our daughter to go see it in the next room. Yes sir, I would love to take my two year old into a room with an Olympic sized swimming pool that doesn't have a fence around it. The public school lost some points on that one.

Although its still a year away we've made some progress on schools. There is a lot to consider but it doesn't look like we'll be going the "cooperative" route.

Fear Factor

Yesterday I faced my fears and traveled via public transit to NYC with 2 year old in tow. When I usually go into he city by myself I walk around guns blazed, full confidence no one can get in my way. However, after I had my daughter I haven’t traveled with the same confidence. In fact, I haven’t really traveled at all so I was determined to meet my husband at work. I figured I only had to make a one-way trip alone, since he’d come with me on the way home. Our trip began on the bus. This would be simple enough since Ali and I have taken the bus a few blocks before. Well the “in town” bus driver is much different from the city bound driver. I folded up the stroller and got on but before I could pay this driver hit the road. I had no idea what to do. I wasn’t about to leave Ali alone in a seat with the bus moving so I could go pay. What was this driver thinking? Finally she stopped at a red light and I was able to pay my way. Good thing Ali was within arms reach, I was able to stretch my body to the limits to ensure I had one toe on Ali in the seat and my hands free put the money in the machine, the stroller had to fend for itself.

We made it to the port authority and now it was time to hit the dreaded subway. I strapped Ali into the stroller nice and tight. My father once told me the port authority was where kidnappers waited for kids who ran away into the city. I think this was supposed to make me fear running away, unfortunately I just fear bus stations. Of course the subway is 2 flights downstairs so I had to wander around in my personal nightmare to find an elevator, all the while making sure kidnappers aren’t following us. We found the elevator and thankfully there was another couple with a baby already riding so I didn’t have to ride alone. We made it to the subway and somehow braved the underground 3,000-degree heat. Ali was excited when our train came; I was excited for air conditioning.

We made it to our stop and I'm confronted with a fear I never knew I had: escalators. I’m not talking about a normal one-story 45-degree escalator; I’m talking about 53^rd and Lexington. It’s about 5 stories and probably rises at 85 degrees. I almost hyperventilated, but the only way out was up. I kept Ali in the stroller because I knew once I got onto the death machine I wouldn’t physically be able to move so she needed to be immobile as well. I said my prayers and rolled on. I ended up taking 5 steps in an extreme forward lunge to try to lessen the rising angle. I stared at my feet for the 5-minute ride because looking up made me dizzy and looking down made me vomit. We finally made it to the top and when we saw daylight again I was a new woman. I have conquered the NYC transit with Ali. Nothing can stop me now! (except the movie Poltergeist … don’t ask). 

Missing the comforts of home.

Since I’ve moved off to Hoboken life has been good. I walk more, I play more and I’m finally tan.. well tann-ish. But every now and then I start to miss some of the modern comforts suburbia has to offer. The first would probably be the luxury of parking your car in front of your home. I think I’ve gotten a spot in front of my building three times and only because it was street cleaning day and I shouldn’t have been parked there. But the main thing I long for is my dry cleaner Lee. A drycleaner, you ask? Yes. I had gone to her maybe three times as a teen to unwillingly drop off some shirts for my dad and she not only knew my name she knew exactly who I was picking up for. She’d even ask detailed questions about my mom and brothers. When I started going there for my husband she would ask “Are you picking up for Dad or Dan?” in her heavy Vietnamese accent. Eventually she began to recognize my car and would have the clothes ready by the time I walked in. She was the nicest lady on the plant, she would ask about my daughter and how daycare was going. When we moved about 20 minutes away from her and we still kept going, you cant get service like that just anywhere. She was even was a bit more expensive than any other drycleaner but we still kept going. And those who know how cheap I am realize how good she must have been. When we said our goodbyes to move to Hoboken she told me I could drop my stuff off with her anytime, me who knows it all told her I’d have to find someone up here.            

Little did I know what a task that would be! I found a dry cleaner up here with a similarly nice Asian lady. When I went to go pick them up it was a differnt man at the counter. He didn’t so much as say Hi to me he just took my ticket and grabbed the pants. I didn’t think much of it since I was tired that day too. The next time I went there he seemed annoyed that I was interrupting whatever else it was he was doing. I know there are about twenty other drycleaners I could use but at this point I want him to like me. I am always chipper when I see him and I make sure Ali is dressed really cute. I think maybe I hope the nice Asian lady will come and help but she hasn’t been around since. I think maybe she’s a bait to get you to drop off your clothes. Or she left because she couldn’t take the cranky man. I really cant stop going to them until I get to the bottom of this. 

The Secret to a Perfect Marriage

I have discovered what some have been searching for their entire married life. Many have tried and failed but I, Kelly Sater have found the secret to a perfect marriage. It isn’t sex everyday or making sure dinner is on the table when he gets home from work. It’s much deeper than that. The secret is: I work every Sunday and Monday during professional football. It’s the perfect balance I get paid to watch football at a sports bar while he stays home and watches football without having to turn on HGTV during every commercial. I think the key in our marriage isn’t that we cant watch football together it’s the fact that I married someone who cant watch football with anyone.

I grew up having Sunday dinners at my grandparents where nothing but football was allowed on the TV. My grandpa was actually super cool and would hook up two TV’s in the basement to watch multiple games at once. My husband, on the other hand, is a hermit when it comes to sports. He likes to sit alone in the house completely silent as he watches a game. I think maybe he wants to make sure he can take it all in with no distractions. If the Jets ever make it to the super bowl I wouldn’t be surprised if he wanted to rent a hotel room just for himself (as long as it has HD of course).

            So ladies, if your like me and you cant stand your husbands during football season just go down to your local sports bar and pick up a shift. You’ll make plenty of money for your fall wardrobe and your husband will be so happy he may get some laundry done while you’re gone. 

I'm Ashamed for You

The hottest book of 2011 is shaping up to be “Maggie Goes on a Diet”. It’s a children’s book about a young girl named Maggie who has no friends and gets teased about her weight. She decides to go on a diet and join the soccer team to ultimately become a popular chick. The author, Pail Kramer claims the books is meant to help the children but everyone on the planet knows better.

My main issue with the book is that it’s about a girl. Why didn’t the author choose “Joseph Goes on a Diet” or asexual “Pat Goes on a Diet”? How can he claim it’s not aimed at young girls when he clearly picked a girl as his subject? How can a grown man think he has any idea how to relate to young girls going through this? He claims it will help girls and boys realize they can take matters into their own hands. Earth to Paul : no boy is ever going to be caught dead reading a book about a fat chick named Maggie. If he weren’t getting made fun of for his weight he’d definitely get made fun of for reading girly books. 

I’ve done some research on the author. (And by research I googled him and watched some clips from GMA … this is a blog not a masters thesis) in my studies I found Paul Kramer has made a career by self-publishing children’s books in Hawaii. So no, he isn’t a doctor or a psychologist or even a nutritionist so clearly he is the authority on children’s obesity.

I’m not one to hate on something before I have a chance to truly read it but you don’t have to be a genius to figure out telling a young girl “if you were thinner you’d have friends” isn’t a good idea. The book comes out in October and I won’t be buying it. I will definitely peruse the pages at my local Barnes and noble. Maybe it can give me a few weight loss tips. 

Why I Hate the Playground

With all the commotion here on the east coast you may expect me to blog about Irene. But no one needs to hear the depressing story about how I stayed at my mothers for four days with no power only to return to my home and find I didn’t loose power at all. (All my alarm clocks were still set) I know, it’s sad.

Instead I think its time to discuss why I now hate the playground and all of its inhabitants. After the hurricane I decided to wander off my beaten path and check out some of the other playgrounds in the area. As we were about to walk into one playground I heard one of the kids ask another if his family had a Range Rover. I kept walking.

Ali and I ended up at a less crowded park and she ran off on the equipment. After a little while the place really started to clear out and it was just Ali and another young girl around 3. The girl was playing by herself with a little stuffed cat. When the girl tried to put the cat on the swing Ali walked over to investigate, since a cat on a swing is always a fun thing to watch. The little girl wasn’t happy with Ali circling her cat so she said “NO you can’t play”. OK the kids are establishing their sense of self and possession; I get it. Then this brat went on to tell me that her cat doesn’t like Ali. What? Excuse me? Are you trying to say your inanimate dingy cat has something against my daughter? This little girl had sunglasses attached to her had like swimming goggles, she’s lucky Ali and I are even talking to her.  It took every fiber of my being not to grab the cat rip its head right of the seams and throw it to kingdom come screaming “HE DOESN’T LIKE YOU”!! Cooler heads prevailed and through my teeth I asked “Why not?” She just ran off to play in eh corner by herself and Ali just played on the slide as usual. Please, why wouldn’t a stuffed animal like my daughter? She’s so chill and accepting, she was playing with a weirdo wearing goggles for the love of god. The next time we went to the park we saw the girl playing alone in the corner again, she tried to play with a boy on the swing and he said “No, I don’t want to play with you.” So it’s safe to say she got hers!